Zarin the Silent One?

Today was a bleh kind of day. It was mufti day, and I hate mufti days, because I hate figuring out what to wear and being me, I inevitably compare myself to others.

I think I just flunked a science test - I hate it when you start out thinking a test is easy and then you actually get past the second page.... How do I know I flunked? I didn't do a 10 mark question. =.=

Then in English, my teacher wouldn't help me with my speech. Thank God we have an extension on our history assessment. I'm feeling the pressure yet again and this weather isn't helping my bad mood.

So to the topic of this blog...

In primary school, I was a reject, sort of. I was depressed, I think, and had a really, really bad self esteem. I still do now, but back then it REALLY showed through. Then I started high school, things began to look up and I found a set of irreplaceable friends - friends that have the ability to make me laugh until I'm in tears. But I still wasn't happy - my school was a tiny one and I am a very ambitious person - so then we moved to Sydney. And here I am.

But throughout my weird schooling journey, I've always had the same problem: Apparently I am very quiet.

I asked A.N if I was quiet once and she said, "You're not quiet, it's just that everyone around you is really loud."

Is that true? Is that really it?

Whatever it is, it really annoys me. I speak, nobody hears me. I call somebody, they don't hear me and I have to literally scream at them until they turn around to pay attention to me. There's always been something just that bit more interesting than me and now it's pissing me off. I know that nobody has the intention of ignoring me or pissing me off, but it still does annoy me.

To be honest, I feel like sort of a ghost sometimes... especially in this new school, because people have already created 'bonds' and have histories together. They know who to hate, they know who to love, but I'm still trying to figure that out for myself. It's not going too well.

Add to that my inability to be 'heard' and it's just... not too great.

I don't know what's with my thoughts lately - like everybody else, I've been stressing about the huge load of schoolwork, but I've also been more self critical than usual, mentally comparing myself to EVERYBODY and picking out flaws about myself. Something tells me that this is extremely unhealthy, but how do I stop?

Z.